My flesh and my heart my fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26
It’s 1:30 am. My fingers are so bloated that each one feels like a throbbing hot dog. I feel so gross and disgusted with myself. Last night, I ate over 1,500 calories of pure fat and sugar. Why??? Why do I sabotage myself like this? I am so swollen, overstuffed, distended, full and puffy that I can’t even sleep. I woke up in a state of panic. I could barely breath. I immediately felt the need for ice water. I could hardly bend over my rotund stomach to lift myself out of bed. As I became aware of how my actions caused this physical condition, I began thinking “You’re such an idiot”, “You have no will power”, and “You failed again.” Tears swelled, almost as venomously as the inflammation inside my body. “I’m a failure. I give up.”
STOP YOUR STINKING THINKING!
No! I am not a quitter! I’ve had almost 10 days of progress. Yesterday’s failure…is a learning opportunity. I can’t go back and change my action, but I can learn from this experience and not make the same mistake twice. Let me look back and see where my demise started. Did it really start the minute I chose to go to McDonald’s for a kid’s meal, or did it start sooner?
On Tuesday, two days ago, I got out of work and, on my way to a client’s house, which was 75 minutes away, around 4 pm, I decided to go to Chick-Fil-A. My thought process was that I was hungry, and I would skip dinner that night and would do yoga instead. Well, that is exactly what happened. I at Chick-Fil-A, and got home at 6:30 pm, and did yoga. I had a cup of tea, watched t.v. and went to bed. Yesterday, the situation was similar. I got out of work at 3:30 pm, and had to drive 75 minutes to see a different client. I had an apple, thinking that would be plenty to carry me over to dinner time at 7 pm. I was a little hungry and I knew there was a McDonald’s on the way. I thought, “I’ll just get a kid’s meal to tide me over.” I manipulated myself into believing that I would do the same thing I did yesterday, and I gave myself the opportunity to eat the fast food. I ordered an adult meal instead. When I got home, the smell of garlic butter and scallops overtook me, and I ended up eating a bowl of seafood and pasta. Then, before bed, I began craving chocolate. I didn’t have any chocolate, so I ate a giant bowl of fruit loops!
Just sitting here thinking about all the food I stuffed into my stomach is making me sick! It’s no wonder my body is reacting the way it is. This is gluttony! My body has developed a high tolerance for food. I eat a lot of food, on a regular basis. I am humiliated and ashamed of my actions. I am so humiliated that I almost did not write this post. Everything in me wants to hide my behaviors. Hide and pretend that I don’t have a problem with food. Two days ago, when I pulled into my driveway, I threw away the Chick-Fil-A bag, so my husband would not see it. Yesterday, I did the same thing with my McDonald’s bag. I hid the evidence. As a therapist, I know that hiding behaviors is a form of addiction. Another addictive trait that I have is the concept of triggers and manipulation. For instance, I sometimes plan my driving route around which fast food restaurants I will pass. I will then manipulate my mind and my circumstances to attain the food, as I did yesterday when I told myself that I would only get a kid’s meal.
So…there it is! My addictive behavior is now public! I will not hide anymore. Now, the question is, “where do I go from here?”. I can’t change what I did, but I can change my choices today. I can stand back up and say, “I lost the battle, but I will not lose the war.” The truth is that the war has already been won. I just need to choose to believe it, and live it.
Where do I go from here? Well, I’ve identified two major triggers: (1) fast food establishments between the hours of 4-7 pm; and (2) sugar craving at night, about an hour before bed.
Back in the day, when I was working out 5 days a week, I took a thermogenic supplement in the mid-afternoon that gave me energy and curbed my appetite. That supplement is no longer available. I just ordered a different one that claims to have 100% all-natural ingredients. I will give that a try to see if it helps with mid-afternoon sluggishness and cravings. I will also keep a cooler in my car that has healthy food items.
I will start drinking an herbal tea at night to help with sugar cravings.
There are so many more things I can do, but these are the main ones I need to implement now.