Day 11: Failure

My flesh and my heart my fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.  Psalm 73:26
It’s 1:30 am.  My fingers are so bloated that each one feels like a throbbing hot dog.  I feel so gross and disgusted with myself.  Last night, I ate over 1,500 calories of pure fat and sugar.  Why???  Why do I sabotage myself like this?  I am so swollen, overstuffed, distended, full and puffy that I can’t even sleep.  I woke up in a state of panic.  I could barely breath.  I immediately felt the need for ice water.  I could hardly bend over my rotund stomach to lift myself out of bed.   As I became aware of how my actions caused this physical condition, I began thinking “You’re such an idiot”, “You have no will power”, and “You failed again.”  Tears swelled, almost as venomously as the inflammation inside my body.  “I’m a failure.  I give up.” 
STOP YOUR STINKING THINKING! 
No!  I am not a quitter!  I’ve had almost 10 days of progress.  Yesterday’s failure…is a learning opportunity.  I can’t go back and change my action, but I can learn from this experience and not make the same mistake twice.  Let me look back and see where my demise started.  Did it really start the minute I chose to go to McDonald’s for a kid’s meal, or did it start sooner? 
On Tuesday, two days ago, I got out of work and, on my way to a client’s house, which was 75 minutes away, around 4 pm, I decided to go to Chick-Fil-A.  My thought process was that I was hungry, and I would skip dinner that night and would do yoga instead.  Well, that is exactly what happened.   I at Chick-Fil-A, and got home at 6:30 pm, and did yoga.  I had a cup of tea, watched t.v. and went to bed.  Yesterday, the situation was similar.  I got out of work at 3:30 pm, and had to drive 75 minutes to see a different client.  I had an apple, thinking that would be plenty to carry me over to dinner time at 7 pm.  I was a little hungry and I knew there was a McDonald’s on the way.  I thought, “I’ll just get a kid’s meal to tide me over.”  I manipulated myself into believing that I would do the same thing I did yesterday, and I gave myself the opportunity to eat the fast food.  I ordered an adult meal instead.  When I got home, the smell of garlic butter and scallops overtook me, and I ended up eating a bowl of seafood and pasta.  Then, before bed, I began craving chocolate.  I didn’t have any chocolate, so I ate a giant bowl of fruit loops! 
Just sitting here thinking about all the food I stuffed into my stomach is making me sick!  It’s no wonder my body is reacting the way it is.  This is gluttony!  My body has developed a high tolerance for food.  I eat a lot of food, on a regular basis.  I am humiliated and ashamed of my actions.  I am so humiliated that I almost did not write this post.  Everything in me wants to hide my behaviors.  Hide and pretend that I don’t have a problem with food.  Two days ago, when I pulled into my driveway, I threw away the Chick-Fil-A bag, so my husband would not see it.  Yesterday, I did the same thing with my McDonald’s bag.  I hid the evidence.  As a therapist, I know that hiding behaviors is a form of addiction.  Another addictive trait that I have is the concept of triggers and manipulation.  For instance, I sometimes plan my driving route around which fast food restaurants I will pass.  I will then manipulate my mind and my circumstances to attain the food, as I did yesterday when I told myself that I would only get a kid’s meal. 
So…there it is!  My addictive behavior is now public!  I will not hide anymore.  Now, the question is, “where do I go from here?”.  I can’t change what I did, but I can change my choices today.  I can stand back up and say, “I lost the battle, but I will not lose the war.”  The truth is that the war has already been won.  I just need to choose to believe it, and live it.
Where do I go from here?  Well, I’ve identified two major triggers: (1) fast food establishments between the hours of 4-7 pm; and (2) sugar craving at night, about an hour before bed.
Back in the day, when I was working out 5 days a week, I took a thermogenic supplement in the mid-afternoon that gave me energy and curbed my appetite.  That supplement is no longer available.  I just ordered a different one that claims to have 100% all-natural ingredients.  I will give that a try to see if it helps with mid-afternoon sluggishness and cravings.  I will also keep a cooler in my car that has healthy food items.
I will start drinking an herbal tea at night to help with sugar cravings. 
There are so many more things I can do, but these are the main ones I need to implement now.

1. Mid-Day Thermogenic Supplement
2. Cooler of healthy snacks in car
3. Herbal Tea at night