I guess most of you know that I wear my faith on my sleeve. You see, I was a child who lived traumatized and grew into a woman who was super resilient. I would let people in, on my own terms, but as soon as they let me down, as everyone eventually does, I would kick them out, or run! And I did this too with God. He first came to me when I was young. He pursued me more than once. When the fighting started, He would comfort me with His love. I remember writing poems, when I was only five. I would go into my head when I felt all alone. And I would pretend. I would imagine a world, in full color, where unicorns and rainbows would fill the land. I created my own kind of Wizard of Oz and I would skip along, through the wildflowers, with imaginary friends. I truly enjoyed my world of technicolor before the monkeys came in. The men would come. So many of them. Not for me, but for the drugs. They would hug me and smile, and tell me to call them uncle. They told me how beautiful I was. They would fumble around, with their hands, and penetrate me, with their eyes. I was just a child. All the while, I would tremble in my bones, and pray for them to leave my home. Always afraid. Never protected. Always shamed. Never loved. Unworthy. That's how I felt. Unless of course, I was distracted. I was given grace through the public school system. School was a safe place for me to go. I didn’t have to be afraid because I knew there were adults who would take care of me. Yes, some of the kids were mean, but I was able to handle them. It was my teachers' approval that made me happy. It was their compliments that I longed for. Their classrooms were inviting. Always clean and comforting. The sequence and structure helped me move through the chaotic days. Their kind words, and their calls home saved me. Literally! My mother would send me to school, when they called her. Instead of keeping me home to take care of my brothers. You see, I was the family hero of the chemically addicted family. I brought hope into a dark world, and I knew the meaning of responsible. I was the oldest child, and the only girl - hope was found, in me alone. God made me smart, but my body matured through stress. I grew up with fight or flight, running my entire life. God gave me intelligence. He gave me an inquisitive mind that loves to find out; and He gave me words to express knowledge. Reading was my escape from an unpredictable life; and writing was my way to heal myself. Fourteen schools. Lots of moves. Never stable. Never smooth. I was 12 years old when I called on God, “God, make it stop!" is what I yelled. His Spirit fell on me like a blanket. A large covering fell on me, like newly fallen snow. The fighting stopped, and the hateful sounds went away. It’s as if my life had been turned inside out, and I was no longer afraid. Peace surpassed all understanding, in that incredible moment. And it all happened in a haunted house - in Camillus, New York. I saw so many things, in the spirit realm, including a girl with patent leather shoes, who laid in the tub, beneath the water, as if she were drowned. The sounds in the attic were eerie - especially at night when I would hear objects move. The creeks were frightening. I could hear them coming down the stairs. I knew in my spirit, there was more than one evil spirit living in my home. And then there was the basement. I had to walk right through it, at 3 am, all alone, when my mother would not get out of bed to let me in. She was sleeping. She must have been drunk. She could not hear me even with the loudest of knocks. So I summoned up my courage and opened the outside door to the basement, and let myself in. I felt evil eyes, keenly observing me. I prayed to God to keep me alive. I focused, on the light that shined beneath the door at the top of the stairs. God was with me. I felt His words say, "move along, "this basement is only a shadow of death." God has always been there. I just didn’t really know Him. He was like an acquaintance who always showed up when least expected. Yet, He was there. His presence was known, even more so than my parents. I tried to get to know God when I went to college. I learned all about Him through my electives - which were mostly religion classes. I studied Native American religion, Catholicism, Hindu and Baptist. I studied Islam and Jewish and Buddhist. And when I was finally done with my liberal education, I was completely brainwashed. I had decided that God was made by humans. He was an imaginary Deity that provided humanity with morality, as a way to separate the bad from the good. This was my new religion - and it represented an ethical way for people to live because it was fully based on human love. Thank God, He did not give up on me. Holy Spirit pursued me. Once again! He chased me down and impressed upon me the need to open up His Word. At 23years old, I requested a Study Bible from my husband for Christmas. I dug in, but the words made no sense. What was I supposed to read? Where was I supposed to start? This was way too difficult for me to do alone. At my work, there was a woman, who was a Christian. I asked her to help me. She advised me to place my hand on the Bible before even opening it up, and ask God to help me understand it. So, that’s what I did. I started with Genesis. I read it over and over again. I was drawn into the history. It was like reading a really good fictional story! So much imagery! So much feeling! So much drama happening, over and over again! When I was 25, I met a Messianic Jew in graduate school. We became friends, and he invited me and my husband to his church. The First Baptist of Church of Jamesville - was on the outskirts of Nedrow. It was not far from home. Pastor Scott was a very kind man, and he is the one who baptized me, and helped me feel welcome in church. Then I got pregnant, and my husband and I separated. There was never a time in my life that I felt more alone. I died inside, while my baby grew alive, but the Lord had taught me to be strong. I mean, I had overcome so much. I was resilient! From parental divorce to my mother's mental illness; from her drug abuse to sexual perversion and promiscuity, from cocaine and all kinds of drugs candy coating my home, And I did it. I was the first one in my family to go to college. I had learned to be super strong. As a kid, I was threatened by my step-father, not to tell anyone about the drugs in our home, or else the police would take our mother from us. My brothers and I, never felt loved. We were rejected because we all we did was get in the way of the adults in our home. Anyway, it was happening all over again. My husband became another person who I could not depend on. So I lived, like I had always done. Strong and resilient - totally independent. I moved out on my own. Just me and my son - I didn't need no man! But then, my husband had a change of heart. He wanted to start over again. He said he wanted to be a better man. He said he was scared, and wasn't ready to be a dad. He was angry that I had gotten pregnant, when he was not ready to move on. So I moved back in. But the hurt was never gone. We had two more children. And our life moved right along. We lived in a quaint home, on 20 acres of land, but then we moved to Nevada after my 23 year old brother died. I was ready to take chances, because everything changes, and we only have one life to live. All this time, we attended churches. I even taught the children's ministry, and I ran a Christian Coffeehouse on Saturday nights. The Lord was good! I learned everything about Him! And yet, He still felt like an acquaintance. Why? I couldn't explain this. I studied Him intently. I learned all I could to know about Him. He had a name, and when I would call it, He would come with open arms. But after the trial was over, I would forget about Him. I would do life on my own, without Him. So then, while living in the desert, I went astray, and cheated on my husband. I was tempted to live authentically. I thought my dreams were totally up to me. So I left my husband and I waited, but he didn’t do the same. Promises were made. "Some day" became the rope that choked me. So I returned to the man who loved me. Then we moved. Escaping bankruptcy and marriage infidelity. Broken dreams. Hoping to obtain a life once again. We moved to the Greater Hills of Clermont- the closest we could find in Florida, to the mountains. We tried. My husband and I. To move on unchanged - pretending as if nothing had happened. And then the dream found me once again. He kept me on a line with lots of promises - so I waited... But then, I finally realized it was never going to happen. I repented. I went to the cross and asked God to take this temptation away. I realized it was never about the man. It was truly my own shame that I longed to escape. But the enemy would not let go. Temptation came again, but this time through my husband. My husband felt alone. He was always on the road. I barely acknowledge him. He met another woman, a friend from the past. But I did not know it. I could tell. I knew the signs well. There's a disgust that comes when lust is involved. Secrets penetrate every hidden interaction. The pain of rejection stings - and the bitterness that comes is unending. It hurts to the core of your being. Satan had his hooks in. Scales covered our eyes. Leviathan is twisted. Too many lies! Too much distrust! The hurt was more than any marriage could bear. And the words - they hurt to the core. The words that we said, brought death, not life to our marriage. Divorce. It was the only way out! But then, once again, God came in. He healed what we could not. And He went straight to the rot. He pulled the weeds out. He declared, "Not in My house, Satan!" "Get Out!" God spoke when we could not. He pulled us out of the pit, and He showed us the power of the cross. He told us to trust Him. And He did this individually, in my husband and me, while we were separated. The days were unbearable. We submitted. We waited on God to teach us how to love, and how to forgive. He explained how His blood covers our sin. And He showed us how much He love us. He taught how to love each other. You see, I wear my faith on my sleeve because my heart has been surrendered. And strengthened. It’s stronger than the defensive armor that I used to wear. It's the essence of who I am, on the inside and the outside. My faith is real. There is no doubt within me. He is the most stable home that I’ve ever had. God is no longer an acquaintance. He is my most trustworthy friend! If you don’t know Him intimately like I do, then you have no idea what your missing! If this is you, then just ask me. I would love to introduce you.
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