SURVIVOR: A POEM ABOUT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE & THE CHURCH

I have a lady
that I counsel,
her name is Survivor.
She finally renounced
being a punching bag
for her husband to control.

She endured living with him
for almost 20 years,
because when she got married
it was for a life term.

Her vow was her word
not only made to him,
but also to Jesus,
her one and only Lord.

She entered into marriage
thinking “He loves me,”
therefore,
“he will always protect me.”

But what she did not see,
was how bad his drinking was,
and how much he didn’t understand
how to love.

And then after having children,
and gaining some extra weight -
his drinking and hitting
got even worse.

His fists met her face
but his words hurt even worse.
He stripped her esteem,
then he raped her of her worth.
He took away her love
and turned it into a curse.

He laughed in her face,
and called her a disgrace,
and all of this happened
behind the walls
of their living space.

Her babies would cry,
and as they got older they would scream.
She would hide away in her room,
praying it was all just a dream.

She would go to the church
and put a smile on her face
because his family were the pastors
and were the ones who told her to pray.

She tried to reach out several times at first,
but they told her to pray
and God would help her not to hurt.

The church was twisting the truth,
by putting the blame on her!
Instead of holding him accountable,
they maneuvered God’s words.

19 years later,
it hadn’t got better.
Her children said,
“Get out now -
because we hate our father.”

They were afraid he was going to kill her,
and with their encouragement
she summoned up the courage
to file for a restraining order.

Then she changed the locks on her doors,
and continued to pray to God for his protection.
She was done playing the game
of taking all the blame.
She knew her children were right,
she would have to be responsible
for saving her own life.

That is when he came knocking
at the door,
“Let me in,
you stupid fucking whore!”
“I’m going to kill you,
so don’t think you can get away!
You are mine -
and that’s where you will stay!”

He threatened to kill her
if she did not let him in,
and even though she was afraid,
she was not going to give in.

This time
she would make her stand,
“I will never again
be treated like a punching bag!”

and finally he went away.

Now it’s been close to five years,
and she is finally able to process her feelings.
Her first question in session
was not
“How could God let this happen?”

Her first question was
"How could my pastors tell me to stay with him
when they knew he was drinking and beating me?”

“Why would they make it seem
like it was all of my fault,
when all I needed was their love
and their help?
Instead of stepping in
and demanding him to stop,
they encouraged me to be quiet,
and to pray to God a lot!”

“You married him,
and marriage is for life.
There will be problems,
so just pray and be a good wife.”

Thank the Lord,
Survivor changed her church,
and her new pastors know
the most valuable thing -
A church is to love,
the way that Jesus does.
And that is why
they are paying for her counseling sessions.

Almost 20 years,
that is how long she stayed.
Almost 20 years,
she quietly obeyed.
Almost 20 years,
she lived as a punching bag.
Almost 20 years,
her kids watched in dismay.

Killing her would have not worked
for this abusive man,
because how can you control
what you do not have.

As a Christian counselor
my heart cries out to God.
Why would the Church
not take HIS behavior into account?

Where does the Bible say
a man can hurt his wife?
Show me the scripture that says
any kind of abuse is right!

Marriage was never about oppression
and certainly not about control!
In fact, Genesis 3
only speaks to the fall!

Dominion over each other
was never the plan at all!
A man is to love his wife,
and treat her like he would Christ.
And a woman is to honor her man,
by loving him with her life.

But what do you do
with the husband who continually beats
and controls his wife?

Do you give him a free pass,
and stay out of their lives?

Do you say
he has control over
what happens in his house,
or as the church, 
do you step in
and make him accountable?

I mean what the hell!
What is wrong with the church?
What are we teaching about marriage
to the lost and the hurt? 

And what are we teaching our children
when we allow abuse to take place?
Aren’t we teaching them the opposite of love,
by showing the meaning of hate?

Now I’m not saying
divorce is the way,
because God still hasn’t divorced us.
But I am saying
accountability matters,
right from the very start!

The church has to stop
twisting the truth,
by putting the blame on the victim -
decorating it with with all kinds of excuse 
through the form of dominion!

Instead, make the abuser
accountable for the actions he has done -
give him male mentors
who can teach him how to love.

As her counselor,
I validate how she feels.
I also build her worth
by teaching her who Jesus
says that she is.

We look at scripture,
and we look at skills
All of this will help her
to make healthy decisions.

The hardest thing she will learn,
will not come from me.
It will be Holy Spirit
that will enable her to forgive.

And when that happens,
she will be set free
from all the hurt
because she will truly know
how much God loves her.