Praise the Lord, my soul. I will praise the Lord all my life; I will sing praise to my God as long as I live. Do not put your trust in princes, in human beings, who cannot save. When their spirit departs, they return to the ground; on that very day their plans come to nothing. Blessed are those whose help is the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the Lord their God." Psalm 146 Yesterday, I waited for stomach hunger. It was minimal stomach hunger, but it was still stomach hunger! I had a small growl and my stomach felt empty. I ate a salad, hummus, carrots and pita chips. A few hours later, I had an apple. Everything was great...but then..."think about it"... "weigh the choices" ... give in to the same lie that I always fall into..."just one cookie." Yup! I ate one tantalizing cookie which led to another. Then, I stayed at work to help with leadership team duties, and I was faced with bowls of candy, platters of cookies and pizza! After fasting, waiting for stomach hunger and choosing a healthy lunch and snack, I ate 2 cookies, banana bread, 2 pieces of pizza, 1 chicken wing and 16 ounces of Pepsi! When in the hell am I going to learn?!?! This is why I am writing this blog! I am determined to change my mindset. Yet, every single moment of every single day is a ridiculous struggle! Some people may think I am crazy! So many people, including my husband, say, "Just do it!" Just decide to only put healthy foods into your mouth, and then do it! I wonder if this is what people addicted to drugs and alcohol go through? The pull towards a particular substance, despite the negative consequences, is so intense and so habitual it's absurd! It makes absolutely no sense, yet it's pervasive! My heart goes out to anyone fighting a battle with addiction, especially when addicted to MAD - the modern american diet! Today, my only objective related to my food addiction journey is to NOT EAT Christmas cookies, donuts, breads, pastries or chocolate candies! Lord help me!
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"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; they shall walk, and not faint." Isaiah 40:31 Yesterday, I listened to the Holy Spirit and fasted from solid foods. It was not too difficult, and I was able to pray through the cravings. This morning, I realize that I did not experience stomach hunger one time! I experienced cravings. I had head hunger, aka "emotional hunger". There was a little voice inside my head that expressed itself every time I got stressed or upset. The same little voice screamed "I want to eat you" every time I walked by the cookie and fudge tray. I tamed that little voice by saying, "God first", and was able to wait patiently for the annoying cacophony to go away. Today, before getting out of bed, I asked God what He wants me to focus on today. He said, "I'm not done". I believe He is leading me to wait until I experience stomach hunger before eating solid foods. When my stomach is empty and my blood sugar level drops, my stomach muscles will begin to contract and a hormone called ghrelin will send a signal to my brain telling me it's time to eat. Today, my goal is to pay attention to the difference between "head hunger" and "stomach hunger". I will wait on stomach hunger before eating, and I will continue to pray through the cravings. Over the last few days, I have been regressing and falling into the same abyss, the same cycle and the same habits that have kept in me food bondage for years! I make good progress, and then (BOOM), merry-go-round I go. Each time, the circle gets a little wider and the ride lasts a little longer, but nonetheless, there I am, back on the crazy cycle. I went 21 days of making positive, strong and healthy food choices. This week, however, has been a slow fade. In looking back at my blog posts, it appears my decline started with "BUSY-NESS". I haven't had time a lot of time to pray, write and process information, which, in food life, means I haven't taken the time to rest, digest and eliminate. I am so glad that Christmas vacation is coming. I need the break from my busy-ness bondage. "If the Devil can't make you bad, he will make you busy," comment made by Pastor Justin years ago that I will never forget. In our marriage group, a friend told me that BUSY means being under satan's yoke. Take In, Take In, Take In. Over-stimulate the mind. Indulge. Go, Go, Go. It's all wonderful in the moment, but the long-term consequences are devastating. My intentions are so good. I set a plan but then I fall into temptation because I don't follow through with the plan. In my devotional time this morning, I ask that the Holy Spirit lead me and show me what HE wants me to know. I opened to Proverbs 3: Trusting in the Lord. "My child, never forget the things I have taught you. Store my commands in your heart. If you do this, you will live many years, and your life will be satisfying. Never let loyalty and kindness leave you! Tie them around your neck as a reminder. Write them deep within your heart. Then you will find favor with both God and people, and you will earn a good reputation. Trust in the Lord with all your heart; and do not lean on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take. Don't be impressed with your own wisdom. Instead, fear the Lord and turn away from evil. Then you will have healing for your body and strength for your bones." "Don't be impressed with your own wisdom. Instead, fear the Lord and turn away from evil. Then you will have healing for your body and strength for your bones." Oh the Lord is so good. There it is! Don't be impressed with your own wisdom. Instead, fear the Lord and turn away from evil. THEN... I started the blog is with "If the devil can't make you bad he will make you busy" and "being under satan's yoke". When I am so busy that I don't have time for God, I am putting myself out there as a target for the enemy. While information is good, if the bulk of it does not come from the Lord, in the form of scripture and Spirit, then I am not taking in the purest, essential nutritional elements for my soul. I feel the Lord is leading me to fast. I don't know much about fasting except that the Lord wants me to meditate on His word, and not on food. Therefore, today I will fast from all solid food. Just thinking about it makes me a little uneasy but I know I have to trust in the Lord with all of my heart. I know this is the right thing to do. Yesterday, I was mindfully aware of the food I ate and the daily decisions I made. Some decisions were good, such as going to the gym despite not feeling like it, and choosing a salad when my son and I went to Zaxby's for lunch. Some decisions were bad like eating a peanut butter sandwich when I got hungry mid-day, and eating a small piece of cake when I went to another Christmas party last night. I wish I had more self-control to choose healthy every single time. I know that eventually I will step into my "perfect you" but for now I will keep plugging along - striving to finish the race well. This morning I am tired, again. I am tired of thinking and striving and pushing and pulling. I just want to rest and feel like it's okay to be me. I opened my bible this morning, I landed on Isaiah 35 - Hope for Restoration. What a beautiful time to receive this message. Isaiah 35:3-4 says "With this news, strengthen those who have tired hands, and encourage those who have weak knees. Say to those with fearful hearts, "Be strong and do not fear" for your God is coming to destroy your enemies. He is coming to save you." Oh Lord, I needed to read and receive this message this morning. When I get discouraged, I need to turn to your word and remember that you have already defeated all things negative in this world. I know that your kingdom is not of this world, and that my time here is temporary. Yet, while I am here I want to offer my life as a living sacrifice to you. This morning, I hand over all forms of selfish ambition, jealousy, and discontentment. In the name of Jesus, I release busy-ness, all forms of bondage and addiction. Take away everything that interferes with my relationship with you. Help me to walk in peace, joy and love. Help me to slow down and breath. It is only when I am in your presence that I am reminded of how lovely my life is. This morning I will be quiet. I will rest in your word. I am always amazed Lord by the words of your prophet, Isaiah. It's incredible that 600 years before Christ, Isaiah spoke of the coming of your son, and our savior, in Isaiah 53 - The Suffering Servant. Reading these passages in Isaiah are like fertilizer to my soul. Thank you so much for leaving us both your Word, and your Holy Spirit. I can't imagine how difficult and unfulfilling my life would be without you. Thank you for letting me wallow in your presence this morning. I surrender all to you. "Test me, Lord, and try me, examine my heart and my mind; for I have always been mindful of your unfailing love and have lived in reliance on your faithfulness." Psalm 26:2-3 Yesterday, I started the day inspired and strong. I prepared all the meals that I mentioned in yesterday's blog - foods high in tryptophan. I ate two boiled eggs for breakfast and chased it with 16 ounces of ice water. As lunch time approached, I was tied up with meetings and, in response to hunger, I grabbed two chocolate candies that were sitting in the candy bowl on my table. When the meeting was done, I went straight to the break room to make my spinach salad. I was proud of myself for making the time to eat my salad and not continuing to eat junk. Unfortunately, at 3:15 pm, I was enticed by the beautiful display of goodies at the Secret Santa party. I loaded my plate with pasta salad, quiche and spinach-artichoke dip. As I sat there eating, my eyes were drawn to the alluring chocolates and pastries, and my mouth began to water. Thoughts like, "whatever, you don't always get this chance" and "you've already messed up this week, eat today and start tomorrow" streamed through my mind. I chose to give in to the temptation and filled another plate, but this time with mouth-watering desserts. After eating three bite-sized gourmet chocolate pastries, a numbing feeling pumped through my body. My muscles relaxed and I got sleepy. By 6:30 pm, I had a stomach-ache and went to bed. This morning, part of me feels discouraged and tired. The other part of me feels driven and determined. I know that I have to make a choice about which feeling I am going to feed. Yesterday, the temptation I feel into started long before the Secret Santa party. It started when I nonchalantly and mindlessly grabbed for and ate the two chocolate candies at 10:45 am. The taste triggered the desire for more. In addition, I didn't think that action of eating the two chocolates was a big deal. I downplayed the action and outcome in my mind. The truth, however, is that when I minimize the small wrong actions, I increase the likelihood of greater, more damaging wrong behaviors. Isn't this the anatomy of temptation? James 1:14-15 tells us that "each person is tempted when they are dragged away be their own fleshly desires. Then after the desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is fully-grown, gives birth to death." We see this process in adultery, pornography and all forms of addiction. We have a fleshly desire. When we choose to feed that desire by having the affair, watching porn, or grossly engaging in addictive behavior, we are now walking in sin (often blindly, in the dark), and then we experience the destruction of our sin (bondage, divorce, death, homelessness, loss of relationships, prison, etc...). Therefore, my goal today is to be mindful. I want to be fully aware of every moment. I will not pass judgement. I want to be aware of both the good and bad thoughts. The good and bad feelings. I want to mindfully consider each action, before I take the action. I want to open my mind and heart to the leading of the Holy Spirit and humbly request that He guide me along the way. Yes, my soul finds rest in God; my hope comes from him." Psalm 62:5 My body must be going through some type of change. Whatever it is, I don't like it! Yesterday, I ate a chocolate bar. The day before, I ate a handful of chocolate chips with a spoon of peanut butter. Yesterday, I chose not to work out. Instead, I took my son out to eat and I had lasagna and bread. This morning, I woke up at 2:30 am. It is now 3:20 am and I am up writing. Basically, I'm craving carbs, I have insomnia and I lack the desire to work out. I also feel emotionally unsettled. Both my brain and body are inflamed. They tingle. My ears are ringing. It's an uncomfortable awareness. That's the bad news. The good news is that I don't have to stay stuck in this negative physical state. Over the last three weeks, I have learned to listen to my body. Doing this blog forces me to stop and think about how I am thinking, feeling and choosing. Oh my Lord, Dr. Caroline Leaf is so right! Being in my "Perfectly You" zone allows me to operate at my best. I may not always be making the best choices in the moment, but I am certainly learning how to process information so that I make better choices more often. Like Momma Joyce says, "I may not be where I want to be, but I'm certainly better off than I used to be." My body is telling me that I am off balance right now. Something is off, and I have a feeling it's my serotonin levels. Serotonin is a neurotransmitter, which is a chemical signal between nerve cells, found throughout the brain and body. Serotonin is made from the amino acid, Tryptophan. If Trypotphan levels are low, then Serotonin levels will be low. Both of these substances help regulate digestion, sleep, skin and bone health, and mood. My goal today is to boost my serotonin levels by eating tryptophan-rich foods like eggs, cheese, turkey and nuts. Other foods/drinks that boost serotonin levels include green tea and yogurt. Natural sunlight is also a booster. While there are other foods & activities that can help, I have decided to focus on these because they are readily available to me. So, here is my plan for today: Plan of Action AM Lifelong Vitality Pack, Probiotic, Thermogenic Breakfast: Green Tea, boiled egg, apple & cheese Lunch: Water & Spinach Salad (red onion, mandarin oranges and almond slices) & Thermogenic PM Snack: Green Tea & Christmas Party at work - I will choose right! Dinner: Water & Something light PM Snack: Yogurt & Fruit Try to Take a walk when I get home to get fresh air and sunlight "It is vain for you to rise up early, to retire late, to eat the bread of painful labors; for He gives to His beloved even in his sleep." Psalm 127:2 Yesterday, I missed writing my blog. I had been coming down with a cold, and my mind and body were exhausted. I felt like my head was going to explode. I needed rest. In weighing whether I should make myself get up and write at 4 am, or sleep another 1.5 hours, the following song came into my head, "How He Loves Me" by David Crowder Band. I decided that I would listen to God and show myself mercy and grace. I would love myself the way He loves me. I would not allow perfectionistic expectations and obligation to dictate my current circumstance. I chose to rest. The extra sleep gave me the energy I needed to start and finish the day with increased energy and substance. This morning, I'd like to do a quick 7-minute meditation & reflection on the lyrics of "How He Loves Me" by the David Crowder Band. Again, in choosing a mindfulness exercise, I am giving myself the gift of self-care. How He Loves Me Lyrics He is jealous for me - Loves like a hurricane - I am a tree - Bending beneath The weight of his wind and mercy - When all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory - And I realize how beautiful you are - And how great your affections are for me - Oh how he loves us so - Oh how he loves us - How he loves us so - Yea He loves us - Oh how - We are his portion - And he is our prize - Drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes - If His grace is an ocean we're all sinking - So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss - And my heart burns violently inside of my chest - I don't have time to maintain these regrets - When I think about the way He loves us - Oh how he loves us so - Oh how he loves us! Thank you Lord for helping me to know who I am in Christ. Through Christ, I am able to come before you and accept the gifts you have for me. My perfection is found only in your perfection. I surrender and want to know you Lord. Your peace surpasses all understanding. In stillness, I find you. Help me to let go of all tasks and expectations that prevent me from being with you. I long to stay connected to the vine, at all times, in sickness and in health. I am a tree bending beneath the wind of your mercy. Thank you for looking in my direction and paying attention to me. My identity is in you. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for teaching me. Thank you for guiding me. Thank you for knowing me. Thank you for knitting me. Thank you for loving me. I feel like it is time to stop, but I can not. Every ounce of my being wants to praise and worship you. When I close my eyes and accept your love, all I can do is revel in your glory. The feeling you impose is greater than any joy I have experienced in my human life. Nothing compares to the promise I have in you. Oh Lord, how the praise and worship songs are flooding my mind. My Jesus, my Savior, there is nothing in this world that compares to you. My comfort, my shepherd, tower of refuge and strength, let every breath, all that I am, never cease to worship you. Shout to the Lord all the earth let us sing. Power and majesty praise to the King. Mountains bow down and the seas will roar at the sound of your name. I sing for joy at the work of your hands. Forever I love you, forever I stand. Nothing compares to the promise I have in you. Thank you Lord for your power and energy this morning. "Acknowledge and take to heart this day that the Lord is God in heaven above and on the earth below. There is no other." Deuteronomy 4:39 Life is a little busy right now and I feel like I don't have enough hours in the day to do all the things I want to do. Yesterday I completed a 7 minute free write, which freed freed me up to do a "blog check in", which keeps me on task, and not be late to work. Today, it's 6:25 am, and I will need to do the same! Even as I sit here, I am trying to analyze everything in my head to figure out what I want to right about! That kind of defeats the purpose of the free write. So, instead I am going to dump my thoughts so that I can get focused on my goal of overcoming food addiction. Here they are... Last night I attended a community event that was created as a response to the rash of teen suicides happening in our county. We had reps from various sectors, and it was very inspiring. The decision was to focus on spreading kindness and make a difference. That is why we were all there. Everyone in that room already has that mission. Now, how do we move forward. I suppose I am doing my part at school when I greet kids with a smile and give them a hug and tell them how happy I am to see them. I show kindness with my colleagues by making them coffee and listening to them. I show kindness to my family by making sure they have healthy food to eat and crock pot dinners made when I can't be home at night. I'm always looking for the "big change" but I suppose the big change is the accumulation of small positive changes we each make every day. Shifted thought - I ate ice cream last night and this morning I feel congested and full. I'm guessing the combination of dairy and sugar has created this feeling. I don't like it, so I will be staying away from ice cream tonight. Thought Shift - I'm going to see Dr. Caroline Leaf in Longwood tonight. I can't wait to see her again. I am so thankful that she has reached out to the world to spread her research and knowledge. If every person listened to her, that would certainly result in a positive mindset shift. Thought Shift - I don't feel good. I think I'm coming down with a cold. I have a sore throat, ears hurt, eyes are watery...whine - whine - whine. There is no time to be sick! It is now 6:32 am. It's been 7 minutes. My brain is still full, but it feels good to download some of the thoughts that are filling my mind. It reminds me of eating. It's great to take good food in, but there has to be time for digesting and excreting. Being fed is wonderful, just like taking in lots of new ideas is wonderful. But if there is not time to process (digest) and create (make something wonderful out of healthy thoughts and get rid of toxins ones), then our thoughts, just like our food, can weigh us down. "Prove me, O Lord, and try me; test my heart and my mind." Psalm 26:2 I only have a few minutes this morning to write. Dr. Leaf states that we need about 7 minutes per day to think deeply about whatever it is we want to learn and habitualize. It is now 5:05 am. I will give myself 7 minutes to "free write". I am not going to write about anything in particular, or analyze something that I have studied. Rather, I am just going to write about what comes to mind. On Saturday morning, I attended a workshop at the library conducted by a local therapist. She was teaching teenagers how to write about their feelings. The thing that struck me the most about her teachings was the concept of vulnerability. She stated that if an author is not willing to be vulnerable, then the reader will not be able to connect. This topic of vulnerability also came up in a counseling session with one of my client's yesterday. She initially saw her vulnerability as a bad character trait, and that it put her at risk of being taken advantage. It was interesting to explore the positive aspects of vulnerability with her because, in the end, she decided that vulnerability is what made her human. Vulnerability opened her heart and mind to others, and allowed them inside. It is now 5:10 am. Funny how fast time goes when we are writing freely, without constraints. Two things I realized this morning: Vulnerability opens us up to possibility, and time is the most important commodity a person has. It is Monday, and my primary goal is to stay focused on my goal of overcoming food addiction despite demands related to time, and the risk of being vulnerable. The clock just ticked to 5:13 am. I'm out! "Finally, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things." Philippians 4:8 YES! I made it to Day 21 of focusing on overcoming my food addiction to MAD, the Modern American Diet, which is saturated with sugar! According to Dr. Leaf, renowned Cognitive Neuroscientist, it takes 21 days to build a permanent memory. The minute we go beyond 24 hours of focusing on something, whether it is good or bad, healthy or unhealthy, we activate a group of proteins that deposit information into dendrites and begin to build long-term thoughts, aka "memories". If we do not have a good understanding of new information, or we don't pay attention to the information, then the dendrites will not firmly attach to the neuron. After 24-48 hours, little vacuum-cleaners called glial cells remove the branches and place them into "inaccessible memory", which means we forget the information. However, when we set our minds (attitude based in love), and when we pay attention and think deeply about the information, we build healthy, everlasting thoughts. As thoughts become grounded, they also become automatic. Automatic thoughts create automatic behaviors. If I automatically think I will choose healthy food, then I will automatically choose healthy food thereby building healthy behaviors around food. Yes, it's incredible! Thoughts are not imaginary things. They are real substances in our physical brain! Healthy thoughts build healthy brains by sending healthy and balanced electrochemical messages, while toxic thoughts build unhealthy brains by sending unhealthy and unbalanced electrochemical messages. This concept is the scientific baseline in neuroplasticity. Scientists used to believe that brains could not change, and that people had to learn to adapt to their biological prison. However, as Dr. Leaf says, "science dies one funeral at a time" as we explore and learn more about ourselves, our earth, our universe and our creator. Today, we know that the brain is able to build new physiological connections. According to Brainline, a website about Brain Injury and PTSD, "from the time the brain begins to develop in utero until the day we die, the connections among the cells in our brains reorganize in response to our changing needs. This dynamic process allows us to learn from and adapt to different experiences." According to Dr. Leaf, geneticists have found that there are genes that create what is known as free will. These genes are located in the corpus callosum which lies beneath the cerebral cortex and connects the right and left sides of the brain. The corpus callosum acts like a light switch allowing the two sides of the brain to work together. It intellectualizes and thinks about information from two perspectives (detail to big picture and big picture to detail). When we acquire information and think about it deeply, we have the ability to make good choices. When we use all aspects of our being (spirit, soul and body) to offer input and help us process information, we make even better choices. Dr. Leaf also suggests it takes three cycles of 21 days, 63 days, to create automatic thoughts and habits. Today, I want to celebrate making it through my first cycle! I am already feeling better emotionally and physically. I refuse to focus on the few negative set-backs I've had, and I choose to focus on the more positive choices I've made along the way. A failure is a learning opportunity and success is the equivalent of learning from and overcoming past failures. |
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