"Test me, Lord, and try me, examine my heart and my mind; for I have always been mindful of your unfailing love and have lived in reliance on your faithfulness." Psalm 26:2-3
Yesterday, I started the day inspired and strong. I prepared all the meals that I mentioned in yesterday's blog - foods high in tryptophan. I ate two boiled eggs for breakfast and chased it with 16 ounces of ice water. As lunch time approached, I was tied up with meetings and, in response to hunger, I grabbed two chocolate candies that were sitting in the candy bowl on my table. When the meeting was done, I went straight to the break room to make my spinach salad. I was proud of myself for making the time to eat my salad and not continuing to eat junk. Unfortunately, at 3:15 pm, I was enticed by the beautiful display of goodies at the Secret Santa party. I loaded my plate with pasta salad, quiche and spinach-artichoke dip. As I sat there eating, my eyes were drawn to the alluring chocolates and pastries, and my mouth began to water. Thoughts like, "whatever, you don't always get this chance" and "you've already messed up this week, eat today and start tomorrow" streamed through my mind. I chose to give in to the temptation and filled another plate, but this time with mouth-watering desserts. After eating three bite-sized gourmet chocolate pastries, a numbing feeling pumped through my body. My muscles relaxed and I got sleepy. By 6:30 pm, I had a stomach-ache and went to bed.
This morning, part of me feels discouraged and tired. The other part of me feels driven and determined. I know that I have to make a choice about which feeling I am going to feed. Yesterday, the temptation I feel into started long before the Secret Santa party. It started when I nonchalantly and mindlessly grabbed for and ate the two chocolate candies at 10:45 am. The taste triggered the desire for more. In addition, I didn't think that action of eating the two chocolates was a big deal. I downplayed the action and outcome in my mind. The truth, however, is that when I minimize the small wrong actions, I increase the likelihood of greater, more damaging wrong behaviors. Isn't this the anatomy of temptation? James 1:14-15 tells us that "each person is tempted when they are dragged away be their own fleshly desires. Then after the desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is fully-grown, gives birth to death." We see this process in adultery, pornography and all forms of addiction. We have a fleshly desire. When we choose to feed that desire by having the affair, watching porn, or grossly engaging in addictive behavior, we are now walking in sin (often blindly, in the dark), and then we experience the destruction of our sin (bondage, divorce, death, homelessness, loss of relationships, prison, etc...).
Therefore, my goal today is to be mindful. I want to be fully aware of every moment. I will not pass judgement. I want to be aware of both the good and bad thoughts. The good and bad feelings. I want to mindfully consider each action, before I take the action. I want to open my mind and heart to the leading of the Holy Spirit and humbly request that He guide me along the way.