Genesis 33 reminded me
of loving act of forgiveness. You see, I once lived in poverty. During childhood, I was extremely poor. I often did not have a safe home to call my own. And yet, God would always provide. Someone would be kind, and step up to the plate - there always a person who would give me the shirt off their back. I thought this was love - but then I realized that their behavior was actually an expression of kindness and compassion - which don't get me wrong is totally great! But so many times, things would happen. The kindness that they could give would eventually come to an end. The amount they gave was attached to what little they had, or the impact of my being there effected their own home. You see, from my experience people are willing to give as long as it does not really affect them - I mean - right at their core. If my presence subjected their spouse or their children to having to endure "less" or my "mess" then they did not always open their door. I can’t say I blame them - because I have done the same. But love - I mean true, unadulterated love that is a whole different thing! From my experience, I fully believe that the ultimate form of love can only be obtained from laying your life down for another person’s gain. I mean 100% of giving up every single thing you have for the benefit of them. For me, this concept of love has only been obtained through Jesus - and his unconditional forgiveness to love me right where I am. This has been the way that I have come to understand the purest form of love - this is the way I came face to face with God. There is no greater love that I have ever known than to be fully forgiven for the wrongs that I have done - to God, my husband and to my children. Guilt - it’s an emotion that we often label as “bad,” but the truth is - it’s the proper emotion tied to living in sin and going against God. Guilt is the emotion that springs forth the fear of the Lord. Shame - now that is the emotion I have most struggled with the most - living a life trying to hide behind figs leaves for the humiliation I have caused and the sin of another person's behavior that has stuck onto me. Shame is the companion emotion to those thoughts and behaviors that we are not proud of. Guilt and Shame often trigger Judgment and Blame - because it’s easier to point the finger than to look deep inside. Guilt and shame are natural emotions that were given by God - triggers provided to humans to let us know that something is wrong. It does not matter if the wrong is done by us or someone else. The thought or behavior is outside the will of God. Guilt and shame should trigger a healthy response - to look to Christ, the perfecter of our faith - the author of Life. We must repent for the wrong that has been done (to us or by us) - and seek refuge in God. But instead, many of us look to ourselves and continue to blame and judge instead of repenting to God. This is what I call internalized pride. In my opinion, this form of pride is just as bad as arrogance, but it's been turned inside out - because we stop trusting God and instead believe in ourselves. Can you imagine carrying so much pride? Can you imagine being so overwhelmed by what has happened outside of the will of God? Can you imagine guilt and shame being so strong that they weigh you down? The weight of guilt and shame can become so internalized that they lead to generalized anxiety, major depression and thoughts of suicide. Well my friend, that is where I was, in 2016 when guilt and shame finally caught up with me. I came to a place where I had enough! I finally said, “I am done." I wondered, "How could God love me when I could not love myself?” The passage of “love your neighbor as you love yourself” did not apply to me. How could my husband or my children or those that I love forgive me for all the bad things that I had done? How could I face another day when I had done so many things wrong? This is the moment when I had to trust God. I had to endure. I had to heal. I wondered, “Does he truly love me even though I have sinned against Him?” Does He really love me, the way He loves everyone?" I had a friend say, "Are you so special that you alone can not accept His blood?" Was I going to cast off the most loving thing He did - to love a broken woman for the things she did wrong? During my childhood - He fed me. He clothed me. He showed me so much love. He made a way when there was none. Was it even possible that God could love me after I had abandoned Him? Was I the kind of wife that He wanted to keep around? The real question was, Could I get over the wrong that had been done to me? Could I get over the hurt of being neglected as a child? Could I forgive the men who took advantage of my innocence? Could I forgive my mother for doing so many drugs? Could I stop rationalizing and making excuses for my choices of wrong-hood? Could I stop pointing my finger with judgment and blame? Could I finally come to the cross and lay it all down? Could I trust God enough to throw all my fears and failures at His blood - instead of taking it into my own? Could I pick up my cross and lay my life down? Could I forgive the wrong done to me? Could I shake off the guilt and the shame that was heaped onto me? Could I expose who I am and patiently wait expectantly? Could I stop running and hiding and accept “come what may?” Could I trust and believe Romans 8:28 - “that all that happens to us is working for our good if we love God and are fitting into his plans.” Was it even possible that God could take a broken husband and broken wife, and put them back together again - more securely than before? Could a husband forgive his wife’s debauchery? Could a wife forgive her husband’s harsh tongue? Could a marriage survive joint adultery? Could we stop blaming each other for what had gone wrong? Could we take personal responsibility for the things that went wrong? Could we continue to live with accountability? The answer was YES - With God, anything is possible! He heals the broken hearted; He restores the wayward soul; He gives us a new name to begin again. This is my story - and it all started with a heart change based on brave exposure and humble vulnerability. This is my story and how I learned to abide in God, and let Him abide in me. I have learned that God is not looking for perfection. In fact, He knows that human perfection does not exist. If it did, He would not have come. God knows we are living in the valley of the shadow of death. He is sovereign and saves us with His blood. I have learned that love is not what I used to think. Love is actually about sacrifice, unconditional forgiveness, humbleness and vulnerability. Tomorrow I will write about Jacob’s name change. Today I wanted to write a story of my own.
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